


even though it's breaking

by evol_love



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Pre-Castiel/Dean Winchester, Rewrite of 7x04, ghost!Jo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28396836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evol_love/pseuds/evol_love
Summary: A rewrite of the climax of 7x04 "Defending Your Life"; Jo's ghost and Dean talk awhile longer.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jo Harvelle & Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 45





	even though it's breaking

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for and absolutely championed by Tierney @katebushstandean who watched 7x04 with me and then witnessed the aftermath of my Jo-obsessed heart in our chat talking nonstop about her friendship with Dean and how she doesn't know he's in mourning. I have a million more things to say about Jo and Cas but I'll save those for another day. 
> 
> This fic takes place after Osiris has judged Dean guilty and Jo's spirit arrives to kill him. As this is a rewrite/continuation, the dialogue at the beginning of this up through "You really want to die not knowing?" is yoinked directly from the episode and doesn't belong to me. 
> 
> Title from Nat King Cole's "Smile"

Dean feels Jo appear before he sees her, some kind of chill in the air, or maybe a sense of being watched. 

“You know I’d never do this,” she says, regret apparent on her face and in her voice as he turns to face her. 

“I know.” He hopes she understands what he means: _It’s alright, I’m sorry you have to do this, don’t worry I’m ready. I won’t fight._

“I guess it’s his thing. Some kind of twisted eye for an eye.”

“It’s okay,” he assures her. Because it is.

“No it’s not,” Jo says, frowning. “You deserve better.”

“No, you did. _You_ deserved better, Jo.”

“Dean, my life was good. Really.” Dean’s glad she believes that, he really is, but he can’t accept it. Won’t. 

“He was right, you know. That dick judge, about me.”

“No he wasn’t.”

“You were a kid.”

“Not true.”

“You _and_ Sam. I just—” he says, grasping for the words he needs to convey how deeply fucked up this whole thing is, right down to its roots. How it runs so much deeper than her or him, or any of them. “—you know—hunters are never kids. I never was. I didn’t even stop to think about it.” 

“It’s not your fault. It wasn’t on you.”

“No, but I didn’t want to do it alone. Who does? No, the right thing would have been to send your ass back home to your mom.”

“Like to have seen you try,” she says, giving him a half smile. “He was right about one thing.”

“What, your massive crush on me?” She chuckles, recognition more than embarrassment. 

“Shut up,” she says, then gets serious again, determined to finish her thought. “You carry all kinds of things you don’t have to, Dean. It kind of gets clearer when you’re dead.”

“Well, in that case, you should be able to see that I am 90%...crap,” he says, swallowing hard. He owes her this much honesty, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t scrape him hollow to do it. “I get rid of that, what then?”

“You really want to die not knowing?” She pauses, a worried furrow appearing in her brow. “Dean,” she says, a warning, and Dean isn’t afraid to die, that’s not it, he’s not even _reluctant_ , but he’s suddenly scared that this might be his only chance to talk to Jo ever again. He’s not ready to let _that_ go. 

“You seen your mom at all? Up there?” he asks instead of letting her go on, hopes it isn’t impolite, and then he catches up with how insane it is to worry about your manners with the vengeful spirit that’s going to kill you. But it’s not like this is Jo’s fault; he can try to make this easy for her. It’s the least he can do. 

Jo nods, smiling at him sadly in a way she never did when she was alive. He wonders if that’s the only way she _can_ smile now. It’s a shame. 

“Yeah. Found her, eventually. Hard to find anyone else. We think maybe we got to each other so fast because we died together. It was good, I guess,” she says, shrugging like that isn’t the saddest thing Dean’s ever heard. 

“Shame Ash can’t find you to make an honest woman out of you,” he teases, because it’s the only thing he knows how to do, even now. Even in the most fucked up circumstances imaginable. He can’t help it; he wants to make Jo smile, laugh before he dies. It’s not something he deserves, it’s totally inappropriate, but he thinks maybe if he can pull it off, it’ll be okay. He can feel a little better about it. 

Jo doesn’t laugh, though. She’s just giving him that same sad smile again, biting her pale lip like she’s thinking something over. Jo is so quiet, so calculated. It’s unnerving coming from a ghost. 

“I’m gay, Dean,” she says at last. He blinks at her. Opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again. Of all the things in the entire world he might have expected the ghost of his friend to say to him before killing him, that wasn’t even on the list. 

“What,” he manages. Her eyes are even more earnest than they had been when she was trying to convince him none of this was his fault. 

“I’m gay. And I never got to tell you, but you actually helped me figure that out.”

Well. A girl telling him he turned her gay is a new method of torture, he’ll give this guy that. 

“I don’t—” he starts, but Jo clips his words almost immediately. 

“You and Cas.”

And there, that’s the other shoe he’d been waiting for, but the drop is so much worse than he’d imagined. It all makes sense now, why Jo has to be the one to carry this out, because it turns out she’s able to torment him in a way none of his other victims could. 

“Me and Cas?” he asks, mouth dry. He can actually feel the fear seeping into his veins in a way he thinks he probably should have felt the moment a vengeful ghost came to kill him, but then again, he’s died enough times and faced enough ghosts that this situation with Jo is more sad than terrifying. Which, he realizes, is probably why that asshole made sure Jo would bring Cas into this. He’s cleverer than Dean gave him credit for. It turns out Jo lighting this place up isn’t going to be the thing that kills Dean after all.

Jo’s nodding enthusiastically, a faster motion than he thought she was capable of as a ghost. Her movements have all had a sleepy quality to them, muted, but now she nods and says quickly, “Yeah. I mean, I kind of thought I might be, before, but. When I recognized what was going on with you, it made me rethink what I thought was a crush and realize that I just...saw myself in you. I saw the things I wanted for myself reflected back in you, and I liked you, and I wanted to be around someone that actually had what I wanted.” 

“What you wanted?”

“You were this cool, established hunter that knew the ropes, _everyone_ wanted to be you. And then, later, you had that _and_ you had someone that loved you. You have any idea how rare that is in our line of work?” And fuck if it doesn’t break Dean’s heart to hear her lumping herself in with him, calling it _our work_ like that. He never wanted any of this for her. He’ll never understand how someone with everythinggoing for her like Jo could have chosen this. _Wanted_ this. 

“I don’t have anyone,” he tells her honestly, but it’s ragged coming out of his throat. It’s a mistake; Jo’s eyes go sad again. 

“Don’t tell me you lost Cas too,” she says softly. Dean shuts his eyes so tight he sees stars, suddenly hoping like a dumb little kid that when he opens them, she won’t be there anymore. 

“Jo,” he says, strangled. “If you ever felt anything for me, seriously, anything at all, please don’t do this.” 

“Do what?” she asks. She sounds confused, like maybe she doesn’t actually know that Judge Judy back there is making her say all of this to hurt him. 

“Don’t make me think about him,” he says, and it’s pathetic, he _knows_ it’s pathetic, practically fucking begging this poor dead girl to leave him alone because he’s too fucking sensitive to talk about someone that stabbed him in the back anyway. 

“Dean,” she says miserably, and he opens his eyes again. He wishes he hadn’t. If he didn’t deserve all of this before, he definitely does now for putting that look on Jo’s face. For stealing something away from a girl who already has so little left to cling to. “I’m so sorry.” 

For what it’s worth, he believes her. 

“Me too,” he grits out. He’s _not_ going to cry right now, he’s not he’s not he’s _not._

“At least he had you,” she says, because she can’t leave it alone. Well. He can’t get pissed at her. It’s not her fault. Instead of getting pissed, he just laughs. He’s pretty sure he sounds insane, and looks it too, but he laughs in disbelief and frustration and raw fucking _pain_ that he’s barely even let himself feel in the wake of everything else he’s had to deal with. 

“He never had me,” he says. He’s not sure what Jo hears in his voice. Anger. Grief. Bewilderment that he’s even having this conversation at all, much less with a ghost that wants him dead because he _killed_ her, he killed her _with_ Cas and how the fuck is _that_ fair? Everyone else is gone and Sam would hate him if he knew the truth and Dean’s not even sure if that means Amy or Cas anymore, he doesn’t have _anyone_ and he certainly doesn’t have Cas. Not in any fucking sense of the word. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jo frowns. It’s the opposite of what he wants, god, how is it possible he’s even fucking up his own death? Everything he touches he ruins. 

“Cas told me everything, that last night. He talked for so long about the night you two went out on the job together, how much fun you had,” she laughs a little. “How you told him he wasn’t gonna die a virgin.” She raises an eyebrow, like it’s a challenge, like she actually thinks he has the capacity to elaborate on _that_ right now. “It was fun, listening to him talk about you. It was like everything clicked into place.” She looks at him for a moment. He wonders what she sees on his face. “I’m sorry he’s gone.”

“Yeah, well. I can’t say I was too broken up to watch him go,” Dean says. What’s one more lie if he’s dying anyway. 

“Dean,” she sighs, looking disappointed. How can a _ghost_ look disappointed? What does Jo want him to say? That Cas dumped Dean’s heart in the lake along with everything else? “It’s okay to miss him.”

It’s too much. Dean doesn’t even know why that’s the thing that’s too much, because everything about this is too much. But he feels the tear trail down his cheek before he even realizes he’s crying. 

“Jo,” he pleads again, throat tight. “Just do it.” 

Jo looks caught off guard by this, blinking as she tries to regroup. 

“Dean, I don’t want to kill you,” she tells him.

“I know,” he tells her, trying to keep his voice soothing even when his head and his heart are in twenty different places right now, all roads leading back to the trenchcoat that’s still in the trunk of his car. “But it’s okay. I promise.”

“No,” she says, urgent and incredulous all at once. “I mean I don’t want to kill you anymore, at all. It stopped.” Dean stares back at her in disbelief. 

“Sam,” he says, swallowing and trying to process the fact that he’s _not_ going to die tonight after all. Jo nods. 

“I have to go,” she tells him, sounding sad. “I don’t know how I’ve even stayed _this_ long, if Osiris is gone.” She frowns, concentrating. “Maybe...maybe the powers that be, or whatever, knew you needed to talk about it.”

Dean’s tired. He’s so, _so_ tired. Being on the precipice of death for an extended amount of time takes its toll, and he thinks that probably doubles when some douchecanoe is using your friend’s ghost as a puppet to taunt you about something you still can’t put into words. 

Except. 

Except Sam had managed to turn off the vengeful spirit powers before Jo turned the conversation towards Cas. And if that wasn’t on Osiris...

“You really thought Cas and I...” he trails off. How can he do anything else? 

And Jo smiles. Really smiles. That Alanis Morissette song he used to tease Sam for liking and turn up louder when he drove alone is roaring in his ears right now. _It’s like rain on your wedding day..._

“Oh Dean,” she says. “You were always telling me I should go home. What were _you_ running away from?” She flickers, and then she’s gone. 

“Jo?” Dean calls out, looking around the room even though he knows she isn’t anywhere, isn’t coming back. People in his life are like that. “Fuck,” he exhales, collapsing to the floor because the weight of whatever the _fuck_ just happened is too much to bear standing up. He sits for a long moment just to catch his breath. 

Eventually, he will get up and find Sam. Eventually, he will tell him exactly what he has to, that Jo was okay, that she didn’t seem angry. He will not tell Sam that she didn’t hurt him, because he’s lied enough to Sam. He’ll just open another beer and lie to himself instead. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Find me on tumblr @lesbiantoziers


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